2-20-19 - Nothing in Return

(You can listen to this reflection here. Sunday's gospel reading is here.)

Like most people, I’ve had my share of unrequited love, yearning for the regard and affection of someone either unavailable or uninterested. But it never occurred to me to see this as a spiritual virtue! Jesus said,

‘If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.'

Of course, Jesus is not talking about romantic fixations, but friendship and favor. To merely return the love or generosity of someone is a low bar indeed. To love as God loves requires us to love when it’s challenging, when we do not get back in kind or volume what we've given, when we don’t even know we’re loved back. If this seems impossible, we need only flip the perspective and see ourselves as the often ungrateful, neglectful and grudging recipients of God’s unconditional love and grace. Jesus’ message starts to make more sense.

Every time we make the choice to love another person, especially in intimate relationships, we are in a sense making a loan. And if, as Jesus commands, we could extend those loans without expectation of repayment, we’d be a lot happier and love with more freedom. I’ve made more than a few loans that I’ve forgotten about. If the money is repaid, it’s a delightful surprise, but I’m not counting on it, or disappointed if it is not. It has never occurred to me to see my offers of love or friendship in the same light.

To give this open-handedly risks allowing people to take advantage of us. To love this open-heartedly leaves us vulnerable to pain, for it is human nature to desire love in return for love given, and to hurt when we don’t receive that. And if we’ve ever known the joy of mutual love, that can become the standard by which we judge our interactions. But if we judge that way, we might miss the gifts that are being offered by friends and lovers; they might seem like lesser gifts but they could be something we need to help us grow.

Can you think of a relationship in which you feel you give more than you get? How does it change your perspective if you focus on your generosity more than on deprivation?

Just as our physical hearts have muscles to be exercised, so do our metaphorical hearts – the more we love without expectation, the stronger our capacity for love grows. Unconditional love is a spiritual practice, as is giving without expectation of return. We need to practice it. And since our expectations are so often the root of our unhappiness, it wouldn’t hurt to take a few off the table, and be set free to love without measure, as we have been loved.

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