You know that awful feeling when you sense something is wrong, and you don’t know what it is, and worry that even asking about it might make it worse? We try to suppress that anxiety, afraid to find out what’s actually going on.
That’s how Jesus’ disciples felt as he continued to speak of the harsh treatment he was going to encounter: They went on from there and passed through Galilee. He did not want anyone to know it; for he was teaching his disciples, saying to them, “The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again.” But they did not understand what he was saying and were afraid to ask him.
It’s not that Jesus was unclear – he says this at least three times as they journey on. But his words make no sense to his followers. He is the Messiah, the Deliverer, in whom they’ve witnessed unimaginable power. It is unthinkable that their Jesus, so sought after by the rich and influential as well as the poor and marginalized, could be betrayed. And that he could be killed, he who held the power of God in his hands, who could command storms to be stilled and blind eyes to see? How could that be? And what is this he says about rising again? I suspect that made so little sense they hardly heard it. His words are so unsettling in every way, they were afraid to ask him to explain what he is talking about.
We too, so long after the fact, left with a story we celebrate but can’t fully comprehend, or even always see as good news, can find it hard to ask God about it. We might fear finding ourselves adrift in a sea of doubt, or losing our faith entirely. So we hold it at arm’s length, celebrating the high points, acknowledging the cross and empty tomb, but not wandering too close to the sometimes inconsistent details.
I believe Jesus yearns for us to wander close, just as I suspect he wished his disciples had asked him directly what he meant. Asking God to help make sense of what makes no sense is central to a living faith. It is how we deepen our relationship with God.
What are your biggest questions about the Christian story and beliefs? Have you asked those in prayer? Hard questions, like, “Jesus, why did you have to die? Why would a God of love require your sacrifice?” Ask, and listen for an answer. A thought might pop into your head, or over the next few weeks you might find yourself encountering a response.
Perhaps your biggest fearful questions have to do with your own life. A retreat leader once rattled me with this profound question, “What are you trying notto know?” What knowledge are you trying to suppress? What worries are lurking just below your surface, troubling the waters, holding you back from living the fullness of life in faith?
Freedom comes as we surface the hard questions and open ourselves to exploring the answers. We draw closer to the God of mystery in the asking. In the end, that may be the only answer we really need.
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